I had to take care of things and act responsible, it was the responsible thing to do
Everything happened so fast. One moment I was a child playing, and in the next I had to play adult. It happened so quick I didn’t even notice. Looking back I didn’t get to do what most kids did. I had to take care of things and act responsible, it was the responsible thing to do.
I forgot what its like to have fun. I was too focused on being responsible. I tried to please too many people to prove that I could and I forgot about me. Yeah, I did forget about me. I left me behind many years ago. But somehow I feel that is still I today.
I listened to those around me. Some were encouraging and some not. I heard some stuff so often I started to believe it, its hard not to. Then one thing led to another, and to another, and here I am. But it just doesn’t seem right. I feel there is so much more – much more to be discovered.
I feel the child in me want to play. It screams, won’t you come out to play? I can’t play I must be responsible and I’m too old to play. Am I – Am I really that old that I cannot play?
We all have an inner child. It is also know as your “higher consciousness” “divine self” and a few other terms. It is the creative, playful part of the soul that is often left behind in a traumatic experience. Anything from abandonment to abuse could create a traumatic experience and leave an unhealed wound within the soul. This can lead the inner child part of us to react to certain situations, and block our creativity.
The process of connecting with your inner child and opening the door for it to explore these feeling and the world can change your life in unbelievable ways. The process is quite simple but for many extremely difficult. It means looking into a mirror and acknowledging your existence.
Below is a short dialogue to begin the process of acknowledging your inner child. Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. You may want to journal the experience.
- Look into a mirror and make eye contact with yourself.
- Begin by saying the following:
- I know I haven’t been there for you, and I am sorry
- I want to make it up to you
- I didn’t know you existed but now I know and I want to build a relationship with you
- With time I can prove to you that I will never leave you again
- You don’t need to be afraid anymore, I will protect you
- You are safe to play again.
- I love you
Abandonment And The Need To Be Loved…
Some parents cease to take interest in their childrens life and stop looking after them past a certain age. Unbeknown to some parents, this will create a sense of abandonment within the child – a void in the soul. The behaviors expressed due to the hole will differ from person to person – from men to women during adulthood.
Loved, Safe and Secure -A Place of Belonging
Love is a strong affection towards a person, place or thing. It generates a variety of different feelings. Love is a euphoric state of being. It is a simple pleasure such as a meal or something decadent. It is also an intense attraction to a person. Love is an extremely powerful emotion with diverse meaning that makes it difficult to define. When combined with the variety of complex feelings involved, everyone will have a different definition and expectation of love.
At the core of every human being is love. Everyone has love in them, but not everyone knows how to receive or express love. Everyone seeks and needs love from the moment their born up until their final moment, and yet it is the one emotion people will also run from.
Children require unconditional love. They must always feel that they are loved and safe no matter what. They need to feel confident with their looks and secure with their feelings. They need to receive encouragement and praise for their accomplishments. They need to know everything will be okay even when they make a mistake. But most of all, children need to feel like they belong even if how they appear form the outside is not how they feel from the inside.
Children know deep within their soul when something doesn’t feel right. When everything is obscure and confusing – when nothing fits the feelings. They question their feelings with confusion and will feel like they don’t belong if they do not feel loved, safe and secure. And those that don’t feel like they belong will seek someone that does fit the feelings in hopes of receiving the love they long for.
Children who develop into adults that never accept how they feel from the inside and never learned what love, safe and secure means will continue to seek love until they find it. In the name of love converting into someone they’re not is effortless, but living it day and night is. So it is just a matter of time before the feelings don’t fit anymore and the search for love continues.
Michael Jackson – Man In The Mirror
A colleague asked for my thoughts about Michael Jackson. I said I’m not surprised But I haven’t given it much thought either. They thought MJ is interesting blog material for me. Image writing about Michael Jackson, how long do you think that would take me? Too long to try and keep my thoughts together. But I did give it more thought and here I am writing about Michael Jackson.
I grew up with Michael Jackson. It was hard not to. Everyone listened to his music. The girls screamed and shouted his name and lined their bedroom walls with his poster. It was hard to miss the craze. I was never a big fan of his. Although, I do appreciate his music and his extraordinary talent, back then I didn’t have any interest in any artist.
It is no secret that Michael Jackson’s childhood was everything but a childhood. He openly admitted his father physically and mentally abused him on Oprah. He was whipped, beaten and traumatized throughout his childhood. His father sat on a chair with a belt during rehearsals – there were consequences to pay if it was not rehearsed the right way. Rehearsals were ridiculously incessant with no time for MJ to go outside and play with the other young boys. MJ often cried from loneliness and would sometime get sick and start to vomit upon seeing his father.
Who Michael Jackson became as an adult was due largely because of his childhood. I’m no psychologist but I do know if any child were traumatized to the extent that he was they would require extensive therapy to heal the wounds within the soul. And if they could never get to that place of total acceptance and forgiveness, their body would be riddled with extreme levels of anxiety for almost every scenario dealing with human interaction. However in today’s society, we have a pill for every ailment including mental and behavioral illnesses.
Not to get off topics but something to consider. If we are only learning today the capacity of the brain, how it functions and how it is put together, then how is it possible to already have developed and manufactured medicine to control the brain? Too many unanswered questions in my world to pop pills effecting brain control. It’s out of my realm of comprehension.
Unfortunately, as many already suspect, Michael Jackson was taking a lot of medication to cope with his anxiety among other mental illnesses because of his sever childhood trauma caused by physical and mental abuse. MJ had to become Michael Jackson to protect himself from further abuse. He had no choice but to become him. He took on his identity because his life relied upon it at a very young age.
I’m not surprised it ended the way it did for Michael Jackson. It saddens me that in this day in age we resort to pills that evidentially do not work. Some pills are to suppress emotions stemming from thoughts that cannot be forgotten, some are for performance anxiety and sleeping, and some pills are to make you feel happy and alert. And then there is the pill to fix the damage caused by all the other pills. And by the way, they don’t know the long term affects of damage control pill either.
I could only begin to imagine what Michael Jackson went through throughout his life. The detachment and conflict he felt each time he looked in the mirror. He had everything but happiness. He even believed he was being selfish for being unhappy with all that he had and punished himself more. His inner child wanted to play but playing is forbidden at his age. Michael Jackson had everything and was being selfish –or that is what he believed. Instead of looking in the mirror and loving himself, validating the little boy the one he felt lived inside of him, all he saw was Michael Jackson, the man he had to become.
RIP Michael Jackson 1958 to 2009
What Is Your Abandonment Issue?
The earliest childhood memory I have is waking up one morning and not knowing where my mother was. I was only three years old. My mother wasn’t far away at all, but far enough to leave a wound in my soul, a wound that can only be described as abandonment.
Generally, everyone experiences a degree of abandonment. The level and the interpretation of the abandonment will determine the behaviors, which ensue as adults. The behaviors that are expressed will be different from person to person, from men and women, but the underlining fear for all will be abandonment.
Nobody likes to feel like they are abandoned, if they do the behaviors expressed will likely be determined based on the degree of abandonment they experienced as a child. The more severe the abandonment, the worse the behaviors expressed shall be.
Men that experience abandonment seek someone that will make them feel wanted, secure, safe, and loved. Someone that will do things for him, tell him how much they love him. They give him what he needs – security – for a little while, at least! But, the moment he feels he is about to be abandoned, which in many cases is not true, he begins to test the person to see if they would leave him. What always turns up is exactly what he wants to see, that he is just about to be abandoned again. This leads him to end relationships, fight with family members and close friends, while he develops strong beliefs and opinions, which become difficult to disprove later in life. As one relationship ends another begins in hopes that the next person will be the one.
Women on the other hand turn to people, or will want to travel or buy a new handbag. She will seek instant gratification. Someone that will validate her, make her feel needed, and show her how much she is appreciated. This is her measure of self-worth. The more she does for others the less likely they will leave her. But, the moment she feels something is missing, a vacation or a new handbag temporarily buys her happiness. What she fails to realize at the end of each episode is that she feels the same way. She internalizes everything and slowly isolates herself from every one.
So you see, to some degree everybody has abandonment issues. How you express your issue will vary largely on the degree of your abandonment and gender.
What is your earliest childhood memory and how does it affect your behavior as an adult?
Abandonment – The Emotional Scar To Your Inner Child
My childhood memories are quite fond. I have memories of when I was 2 years old, just a baby. I remember my grandparents visiting from Italy; they took me for a walk down the street. Some memories are only still shots, a moment in time. Some memories are more detailed as I grow older. I remember my brother locking my mother into the cellar. That happened in the middle of a 70′s winter. I clearly remember the consequences that followed too. I was only 3 years old.
Life Coaching Clients who go through my self-awareness program will tell you I preface their first session by saying, “Nobody is to blame for what you may uncover during your sessions. You are an adult now, and you must accept responsibility for your actions; you can no longer look for someone to blame for how you feel or for what you do. You should also know your parents did the best they could with the tools that were passed down to them. It’s a cycle that many, including you don’t even know you’re in.” Most clients who work with me are ready to learn what many people fear: The truth behind who they truly are.
Although I have many fond childhood memories, I also have the typical memories of: Abandonment, neglect, shame, and guilt among others, no different than anybody else. There is one particular memory of abandonment that will trigger my self-chatter. On command I could alter the direction of my journey and cast a shield to protect my inner child from experiencing another blow of abandonment. A few years ago, if I foresaw the possibility of experiencing the emotion of abandonment I altered the direction of my journey to protect my inner child instantly but had no clue that I was doing it. This behavior prevented me from enjoying my life to the fullest for fear I would be abandoned again.
The wounds of an inner child are very real and very much alive in everyone. The scar is deep, and the emotion is real. The feeling the inner child is left with when it’s not healed is isolation, alone and disconnected from the adult. People who experience depression, or experience troubled relationships, or ongoing life dissatisfaction may be feeling the remains of a wounded inner child. The pain to severe and the scar to deep for many, they often run from this experience never healing the emotional scar, and the cycle continues from generation to generation.
Fortunately I am aware of my inner child – from time to time he likes to make himself known by reacting strongly to certain events leaving me left with the same feeling as when I was a child. When my inner child surfaces I allow him to go through the process of feeling – basking in his emotions as I the adult Bruno validate his feelings. Suppressing his emotions would be denying his existence – he does exist. In the past when I did not validate his emotions he would seek validation externally. He was never direct with whatever he was feeling, he disguised his emotions within a joke or a general statement, but listened carefully for the validation. Boy oh boy – I don’t need to tell you what would happen if he wasn’t validated.
You are allowed to feel down and blue, little guy, it did happen and you have every right to feel blue. You’re safe and everything will be okay. Tomorrow is a new day. ☺
The Search For Love or The Need To Be Loved
Human beings: Mysterious, intellectual, adventurous and emotional, white, black, brown, leaders, and followers, happy, joyful, stressed or relaxed – these are just a few characteristics that make human beings human. Although each one of us was raised in a different environment, no matter what nationality, culture, or race, we all share one fundamental need, and that is love.
Love is the single most needed emotion everybody everywhere in the world longs for. People search for love in partners, in spouses, and in family. Often time the search for love is mistaken for a need to be loved. Unfortunately when the basic emotional need of a child is neglected, the child is left feeling abandoned resulting in an ongoing and long-term search for love in adulthood that is often mistaken for the need to be loved.
The need to be loved is described by loneliness, misunderstood, and unworthy; Nobody to hold and to tell them “I love you and that all will be well” – Nobody to validate how they feel, but many will defend their feelings. How could that be, how could another person defend another persons feeling? Is it any wonder they feel unworthy – When will it be their turn?
The search for the love or the need to be loved
The effects from the need to be loved are profound and reek havoc ranging from sever panic attacks to anxiety for the fear that they will never be loved. Some will develop an inability to trust anyone. They fear that the people closest to them will not be there for them when they need them most. Relationships become battlegrounds fighting to secure the love they finally deserve.
Love is a fundamental need in every human being. In the absence of love human beings are left feeling unsettled, incomplete and continue the search to fill the void within their soul.
Cycling through unhealthy relationships does not heal abandonment nor fulfill your need to be loved. The only true way to do so is to start the healing process. The feeling of abandonment needs to be confronted and dealt with directly. This is the only path to true happiness. Only when you are ready to accept what is and deal with the imprisoned emotions will you begin to understand the difference between love and the need to be loved.
Trust
Trust
A firm belief in reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
Infants are born with no trust or mistrust. Infants will develop trust or mistrust during the first eighteen months of their lives. During the first eighteen months, the infant will develop trust provided the mother and father are attending to its basic needs, demonstrating consistency, support, reliability, and most importantly, love. When the infant’s basic needs are satisfied, the infant will develop a feeling that the world around them is a safe place to belong to, and trust is born.
When a mother or father reject, harm, or fail to provide the basic needs an infant requires, for selfish reasons, the infant will develop mistrust and will learn the world around them is not a safe place to belong to, becoming apprehensive, suspicious, and experience prolonged episodes of depression later in life.
Abandoned
To cease to support or look after.
So we begin to unravel the many mysteries, which prevent a person from achieving their ultimate dream, their goals, trust in their partner, and trust in the world around them. Without trust, comes no confidence, with no confidence comes very little success and lots of pain. No trust equals a confused life with many unanswered questions, feeling alone and abandoned by all.
The hole in the soul must be healed through the healing process–acceptance, becoming aware of self.
Bruno LoGreco Life Coach Toronto
Abandonment
What is abandonment? How does it affect a person’s adult life? Is it connected to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
The meaning of abandonment used loosely is when the needs of a child have not been met. Perhaps the mother was not affection enough or did not express her love for the child. Whatever the case, the basic needs of the child were not met, leaving a gap in the child’s soul. It is very common for a person to have deep issues with abandonment that are both real, actual abandonment, and abandonment that is perceived by them and or about to take place.
A person dealing with issues of abandonment, could learn how not to trust anyone, for the fear the person will not be there when they are needed, might feel they are not important, not worthy, and feel the lack of respect among the people they think are supposed to love them.
Abandonment is found in disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Abandonment is often the root cause in people with BPD. One of the behaviors observed in a person with BPD, is the constant need to heal the wounded soul. The person is not conscious of the void left behind from one of the early development stages when trust is developed, and will go on a life long search to fill the void, or to find the love it so desperately seeks. The person will find temporary ways to fill the void, the wounded soul, but what they will do is begin to sabotage any relationship they are in or push people in their lives aside for the fear they too will be abandoned by them one day.
Abandonment can only be fixed with healing. People dealing with deep, rooted, abandonment issues, will have to come to terms with the understanding that they are the only one that can make themselves feel better, by accepting the hurt and so that the healing process can begin.
Bruno LoGreco Life Coach Toronto
