Dr. Lynne Kennedy
Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Lynne Kenney, author, pediatric psychologist and strong supporter of INA and the nanny community. Dr. Lynne Kenney shared about her book, The Family Coach Method, and gave some practical insight into how nannies can use her method to help families succeed.
Michelle: Dr. Kenney, thanks for taking the time to speak me with today about your new book, The Family Coach Method. What inspired you to write The Family Coach Method (TFCM)?
Dr. Kenney: Parents whom I met in their homes kept expressing frustration with their current methods of discipline. They felt they were often yelling at their children, threatening their children with punishment or begging their children to do as they were told. When I would arrive, bags and tools in hand, we would shift the culture of the family by teaching the children about boundaries and limits. The kids caught on quick and parents were excited and motivated to learn more. I wrote TFCM to share what we believe about discipline at North Scottsdale Pediatrics and to teach parents to teach their children the skills to succeed. In essence, it’s my desire to help parents be their own Family Coach.
Michelle: What are the top takeaway messages from your book?
Dr. Kenney: What is so unique about TFCM is that it is not an advice book, it’s a family lifestyle book. TFCM offers parents a new way of family living. It helps them discover a lifestyle based in values, trust, accountability and mastery of skills.
The premise of the book is that we have made a mistake in America. We have gotten caught in “The Discipline Trap” believing that discipline is something we DO to our children rather than something we TEACH them. This has lead to families living in damage control constantly waiting until problems escalate before intervening.
Each week I speak with 35-200 parents, teachers and nannies. Families can relate when you ask them, “In your family, does your child wait for “2″ before he gets off the couch?” Everyone laughs.
Then I explain, discipline is all upside down and backwards. We need to start at the beginning of the story with our children, teach them what is expected and how to succeed in doing things well! We need to do more than wait until the children break the rule to respond.
A few of my favorite takeaway messages in TFCM include:
+ Parents in America parent well until about age two, when we need to transfer skill sets to our children and stop doing everything for them, except we have no idea how to do that. So instead we have expectations of our children that we never clarify then we get mad at our kids for not doing as we expect. TFCM gives parents the specific “how to” steps to teaching your kids what is expected and how to do as expected.
+ In America we believe that punishment is necessary and earned, when there is no research that punishment improves behavior at all.
+ Kids are having difficulty becoming accountable and independent because we do not teach them the necessary skills. We do too much for our kids and teach our kids too little.
+ Sometimes what looks like intentional misbehavior is actually a skill deficit. We parents, nannies and caregivers need to know the difference.
+ The brain is growing substantially between 3-8 years of age. Role-play, modeling, charades and practicing skill sets is critical for brain development. Children who actively participate in determining “how to do it” instead of just being told what to do succeed faster and for the long-term, because we actually increase neuronal connections in the brain related to the expected behavior or needed skill set.
+ Children misbehave for many reasons, most having to do with an inability to do as expected not because they want control or attention.
+ Parents, nannies and caregivers are well-served to understand the role of the brain in behavioral choices. Chapter 8 in TFCM describes brain function and child behavior in simple and clear terms.
+ Being a behavioral detective in order to look underneath the behavior helps parents immensely. Once you become a good detective your family can’t help but improve.
Michelle: We’ve had the pleasure of having you speak at several of our conferences over the years. You truly get nannies. How can nannies utilize the information in your book to help families succeed?
Dr. Kenney: The Family Coach Method is an illustrated how-to manual of strategies, tips and real-life stories, structured for quick reference. Its approach is ‘rug-level,’ friendly and centered on the concept of families as a winning team – with dozens of age-appropriate sample conversations and problem solving scenarios to guide a family to the desired place of mutual respect, shared values and strengths. The goal is to help children to develop the life skills, judgment and independence that can help them navigate the challenges of an increasingly complex world.
+ It’s no secret that INA nannies know their stuff. It’s my hope that TFCM will give them insight into new brain-based strategies that they can use to enhance their care giving skills.
+ INA nannies get that they are often the primary teacher/coach/parent and that they need to quietly define the family culture so that the family can succeed. We need to raise ethical, deep, compassionate and skillful kids and often nannies are the first in line to do that. If the nanny has a great relationship with the family, than she can encourage everyone to participate. TFCM gives nannies great tools to help families get involved instead of doing the interventions all by themselves.
Michelle: What is the most important thing you want people to understand about your method?
Dr. Kenney: TFCM provides a new culture of discipline based in skill development, relationship building and collaboration that works far better than threats, coercion and punishment.
Michelle: Nannies work in partnership with parents to raise healthy and happy children. What is the best way nannies can get parents onboard to try something new? Perhaps a new approach to an old problem, like hitting or back talk?
Dr. Kenney: Getting families on board can be a most difficult task for nannies. The parents may be stressed, overwhelmed or even emotionally absent. The best thing a nanny can do is lead by example. As she will see, having a defined culture between herself and her charges will cause a shift in their relationship. Sometimes parents will see the success and start to imitate the nanny. Shoot for a win-win, not an “I’m right you are not.”
Michelle: Where can our members learn more?
Dr. Kenney: For some parents, nannies and caregivers who really want to learn some new strategies, TFCM is delivered in many formats, the most immediate being in the book and on the telephone in my teleconferences one hour each week. People can learn more at www.lynnekenney.com.
Let us know what matters to you @drlynnekenney.
Join Master Life Coach Bruno LoGreco & Dr. Lynne Kenney on #AskTheCoach Thursday 4pm.
