by Jane Chin, Ph.D.I’m one of those anxious, over-thinking, making-it-all-too-complicated, high-stress people. I keep aiming my boat up the stream rather than “merrily down the stream”. But stress, like all things in moderation, has its benefits. Growth is stress. Learning is stress. We have enjoyed the fruits of stress against the status quo, and now we have technological advancements that we only dreamed of decades ago.
I get stressed when I feel like I’m not in control. You probably don’t need me to tell you that you have no control over much of our environment, other people, and how life unfolds. Control is an illusion. I find this a very difficult idea to accept but I’m getting better with practice. In the meantime, I can fully engage in what is indeed within my control: beliefs, actions, response to my environment, my choice of companions and people I allow in my life.
I used to think of myself as weak, so I put on a good show of appearing strong and independent, which means never asking for help. Since I was especially stubborn, life hurled the kind of challenges that would get my attention. I was struck with severe depression. I spent 7 years getting a science PhD then realizing that I didn’t want to be a scientist for the rest of my life. I quit a great paying job to started a business without ever dreaming of becoming an entrepreneur (I used to say I loved working for other people: the paid vacations, the sick days, bonuses and matching 401Ks…). Then I became a mother and decided to retire from a successful business.
There were many times when I was wracked with doubt and guilt and complete confusion about what I was doing with my life, and whether I was letting down people who believed in me and loved me.
Much of how we define happiness and success come from the opinions of other people. I have seen people stressed out from living a life that is a lie: they don’t want this life even if they are rewarded with material wealth. The stress that they bury deep inside comes out in their faces and through their bodies, in the form of heart attacks, depression, chronic pain, and chronic illness. It’s as if their immune system is too busy fighting the internal conflicts to bother warding off external hostile environmental stressors. In fact, in 2001 when I suffered a depression in relapse after 2 years of remission from depression, it was due to job-related stress: too many demands, too little rest, and no attention paid to why I was running around like a hamster on a wheel.
It is only the last 5 years when I started asking “who” I want to be. It hasn’t been easy: I’ve always listened to others telling me “what” I should be, and the more people think I’m capable, the more opinions they give me about what I should be doing. But now I’m learning how to listen to my “heart mind”. I have been running one life experiment after another to explore the ideas of Bliss, Success, and Significance — and how these naturally work in my life. I peel away the layers of conditioning to examine what values I choose, not all the “stuff” I’m told I should want.
Knowing myself is no guarantee for less stress, but I can better navigate through stressors and life’s twists and turns. And I’m starting to really enjoy the ride.
This week on #AskTheCoach Workplace Stressors & Depression w/ Jane Chin Ph.D.
