Negotiating IT Services was hardly a fulfilling job for me but that is what I did before becoming a life coach. There were days when I would roam the hallways at J&J (Johnson & Johnson) thinking of a better way to live my life. I couldn’t imagine living someone else’s dream for the next 30 years, it just seemed wrong to me on so many levels. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with working for someone else, but someone like me who is a dreamer and who loves creating stuff – this path was not for me.

After a long successful career with J&J, it was clear that it was time for me to leave and to pursue entrepreneurship. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do yet but I did know I wouldn’t find it working for someone else. So I took the leap of faith and jumped into the unknown. Some people would call that irresponsible but I called it exploring and enjoying life.

What did I know about myself that boosted my confidence to jump into the unknown feet first?

I knew I was smart enough to learn new skills, I was strategic, and goal driven – a visionary who sees the big picture. That’s pretty much the bulk of what I knew about myself back then and it was enough for me to take the leap and believe I’d figure the rest out along the way. I knew I would be okay.

Now looking back at what I did I see it completely different. I see someone who wasn’t afraid of making mistakes, someone who was willing to learn just about anything to be able to live a meaningful life. I see someone who was completely honest with himself about what he could accomplish with his strengths, a person who put himself through extraordinary anxiety to overcome fear, and someone who put himself in the public eye to be judged. Today, I see someone who took responsibility for his life and did not want to rely on someone else to make his dream come true.

So if you would ask me about what it takes to live a happy fulfilling life, I would tell you that you must take responsibility for YOU. You must be the master of your domain. What I mean by that is knowing all there is to know about you and using it to get to where you want to go so you can fulfill your personal needs without relying on external factors for encouragement and approval. It is not about asking someone if what you are doing is correct. You must give yourself permission to make mistakes and to learn from them. That’s what it takes to live a happy fulfilling life.

Studies published in the journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science show that people tend to regret more of the things they did than the things they didn’t do. However, with the passage of time, people come to regret the things they didn’t do.

“If I knew then what I know now my life would be different”

Most of us fail to do the things that we should because we are afraid of failing and getting judged by others. The notion that someone may have a false perception of you is overwhelming to many of us. What will they think of me if I fail?  Rather than learning from failure, which is what we are supposed to do, we opt for the status quo; “it is what it is and nobody can judge me for that.”

There is also the fear of living up to the person we claim to be – “what if I’m not as talented/smart/good enough?” We answer the question without having the real answer, which can only come from experiences consisting of successes and failures. The answer that we do create scares us from pursuing a meaningful life, but is it truthful and objective – probably not.

We fail to realize that one experience leads to another and to the next and so on. Every experience provides a wealth of knowledge that may not be clear at that very moment. The lessons sometimes don’t show up for months and sometimes years later. Not until the sums of all experiences connect the dots will you be able to see the lessons. Even when something horrible happens and you can’t imagine how anyone could find a lesson in something so hurtful, there is a lesson. We need time and experience to truly understand what it is.

Let’s use Adele for example. Her voice is angelic and without a doubt she would be famous, however the experiences that made her an international star were the ones of her breakup. The lyrics are so powerful and meaningful that millions around the world resonated with it. Breakup’s suck and hurt deeply but from it you can find inspiration and that’s what Adele did to catapult her to the top of the charts in 26 countries.

In 2009 Susan Boyle took the world by surprise after appearing on Britain’s Got Talent. That’s one experience she will never forget nor will any of us.

It’s never too late to start creating experiences. Its only too late when you’re lying on your death bed wishing you had taken the opportunity when you had the chance instead of ruminating that its too late to create a wish list.

Forget about all the things you missed out on, just accept it for what it is. When you know better you do better. Back then you acted according to the knowledge you had but now you know better and will do better. Write it down on a piece of paper so you don’t forget, remind yourself daily. And start taking small steps towards crossing things off the wish list.

In my 20’s I spent a lot of time analyzing people, reading body language, trying to understand how to fit in, how to behave, when to speak, when not to speak, the kind of questions to ask in social settings, etc. But what I discovered instead was the level of insecurity that exists everywhere.

I realized that everyone struggles with self-confidence. Those who were most insecure but craved authority made those around them feel inferior. Those who struggled with self worth – a feeling of not being deserving of love and acceptance found refuge in their work; worked harder hoping to find recognition and praise. Some found what they searched for but most didn’t; those who didn’t find it tried even harder next time as they chased the feeling of worth.

I also discovered that everyone had free will to choose the kind of life they wanted, regardless of it being right or wrong. Those who felt compelled to make everyone around them feel inferior because they believed that’s how they would develop character chose tough-love over compassion. Those who spent an extraordinary amount of time perfecting their work chose to chase self-worth instead of believing they were already worthy. Even those who chose to avoid confrontation chose to believe their voice did not matter.

Observing and realizing that everyone had the ability to choose to fulfill their life in whichever way worked best for them prompted me to ask myself, why shouldn’t I be able to choose to live my life whichever way works best for me? It was at that moment I realized that I could choose to stop conforming to social standards and accept myself unconditionally.

What does choosing to accept oneself unconditionally really mean?

It means exercising free will and choosing to honor you, who you are at the core and respecting yourself rather than defining your core with roles, titles, and labels. It also means overcoming shame – the belief that you are not good enough and that others would reject you if they learned about the real you. Choose to embrace yourself and share yourself with the world.

Deciding to be an independent person free of social standards and being willing to embrace self-love is the ultimate gift readily available to all of us, if we so choose to accept it. I chose to embrace me and to let go of trying to become someone I am not. The benefit of my choice has been rewarding to say the least. What I once was ashamed of is now the gift I use to help others find self-love.

What gift is waiting for you if you choose to accept self-love over conformity?

In 1965 psychologist and social philosopher Erich Fromm concluded that self-love is caring for Self, taking responsibility, self-respect, fulfilling your own personal needs and being realistic and honest about strengths and limitations. He also said that you must love yourself first before you can love someone else unconditionally.

Imagine a mug in front of you. Let’s call it the LOVE-Mug. We’re going to use the LOVE-Mug to measure how much self-love you have. Now fill it up with self-love. How full is it – half-full, three-quarters full or is it overflowing? If it isn’t overflowing with self-love whom do you expect will top it off for you?

A laundry list of expectations is the outcome of a less than overflowing LOVE-Mug.

Do you know anyone in a relationship where someone has high expectations of their partner and no matter how hard they try to live up to the expectations its never “good enough”? Pay close attention to those people, you will learn that those who have high expectations do not know how to articulate what it is they need but expect others to know and to fulfill them. It’s the perfect recipe for sabotaging a relationship.

Fill Up The LOVE-Mug with self-love

Peel back the layers. Ditch all the titles, labels and roles that you identify with. What all of those identifiers do is leave a hallow foundation for you to crash on to if your false identity is stripped – the one you have built for yourself over the years that does not consist of strengths, values and needs.

Fill the foundation with strengths, values, and passions. Accept everything about you, nobody is perfect and nobody expects you to be either. Show vulnerability, it builds strong relationships. Respect and honor Self by fulfilling your personal needs, your partner will learn from it and will give you more than you need.

By doing that you will fill the foundation with what is important to you. So if something should happen or if someone pulls the rug from under your feet the fall is cushioned. You don’t crash on hallow ground left to pickup all the pieces.

Filling up the LOVE-Mug is a journey that takes time. It does not mean you are being selfish, arrogant, or conceited by taking time to learn how to be the best you can be. The consequences of anything less are far greater, that is when you are narcissistic and extremely self-absorbed in the effort to have someone fill the LOVE-Mug for you.

I always put other people needs first and always felt like I needed their approval in everything I did…..Intill one day I realize I was not happy and felt I couldnt take it anymore ….all I wanted to do was to run away……..I was so unhappy and confuse ,I didnt know what to do…A friend recommended to talk to Bruno ,I did ….He help me see what I was doing wrong and by making some changes in my life ,I can be happy again…….Im now more positive, happier and stronger person …. ~Grace (Mississauga, Ontario)

Why is it difficult for many of us to accept ourselves? Why would most of us rather assume the identity others believe of us than appreciate all that we are?

It is flattering when someone recognizes something about you – your persona, something that you can’t see of yourself. It’s motivating and it inspires action. You’ll start a new project, maybe pickup an old one with the intention of finishing it, or maybe even turn over a new leaf. But only for a little while, maybe a day or two, just until the fire fizzles out, then you’re back to where you started – confused, anxious and probably feel bad for yourself believing that you’re not good enough or some other negative self belief.

The grass always looks greener on the other side. It is nice to use people as a source of inspiration but that’s all it should be – Inspiration. The moment you start developing negative feelings for Self because you don’t measure up next to that person you’ve taken it beyond inspiration; your chasing their life experience, their values and their strengths. That’s provided that they too aren’t chasing someone else’s life just as you are chasing theirs. Is it even fair for you to compare yourself with that?

The ironic part about chasing an identity or living up to someone else’s idea of who you are is that at the very core of your being you already know who that person is. Peel back the layers and get rid of all the labels, roles and titles you identify with, eg. Mother, father, brother, sister, executive, dumb, stupid, useless, procrastinator, etc., and what is left are character strengths that involve temperance, transcendence, justice, humanity, values such as creative, curious, brave, learning, mentoring, etc..

You may believe that a self-image should be wrapped with titles and roles but it’s the strengths and values you bring to those titles and roles that define it.

So why do we think this way, why do we allow our self-image to be rooted by external factors such as titles, roles, material wealth and fame which only lead us to feelings of inadequacy when we don’t measure up? Shouldn’t we try to measure up to our own values and strengths instead? You probably think it is easier to do that than to assume the identity people have of you or to chase someone else’s life but that means taking responsibility for you – all of you.

Taking responsibility for all of you means putting yourself out there, showing the world you – the good, the bad and the indifferent. It’s being okay with making mistakes and admitting to not having all the answers. It’s being self-motivated and assured of your ability to achieve success. It’s recognizing, accepting and honoring your self-image that is wrapped with values and strengths and fulfilling your own needs. But most importantly, it means owning your life and being the best you can be.

Naturally accompanying behavior’s of low self esteem are negative reactions to real, anticipated, or imagined rejection.

Fostering healthy relationships when suffering with low self esteem becomes difficult because of the anticipation of rejection. Unresolved abandonment and neglect issues contribute to notions that it will happen again. To prevent abandonment from recurring they self sabotage relationship and abandon them before they experience abandonment.

When suffering with low self esteem recognizing and fulfilling personal needs becomes everyone ele’s burden. The expectation is for others to fulfill those needs even though they were never spoken. When the arbitrary needs are not fulfilled it brings up old unresolved issues causing a reaction and to protect one Self they potentially sabotage the relationship.

Self-Awareness is one of four competencies that make up emotional intelligence. By increasing one’s self awareness it enhances their self image and self esteem. Recognizing emotions and their effects enables them to control their reactions while self assessing situations. They are able to identify their personal needs and distinguish responsibility without transferring accountability, and build an identity from strengths and values, the foundation of self esteem.

Turn low self esteem upside down and build healthy relationships:

1. Identify personal needs:

• Security, stability, safety, etc.
• Belonging and Love needs – work group, family, affection, relationships, etc.
• Self- Actualization needs – realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth, etc

2. Identify Core Values:

• Represent self image
• Personal characteristics and strengths
• Influence and dictate relationships
• Adaptability
• Self worth

3. Resolve abandonment issues:

• Stop isolating, create connections with others
• Stop transferring accountability onto others
• Recognize the positive effects of your behavior
• Seek professional help to heal The Inner Child

Self Awareness is key to fostering healthy self esteem and breaking a bad habit of self sabotaging relationships. Increase self worth, foster and nurture healthy relationships with a self image wrapped with values, strengths and tools to fulfill personal needs.

There is a difference however in what kinds of depression can cause this sort of reaction. For some people, depression can be caused by their attachments. Having a fight with a loved one or breaking up with a long time partner can be a source of depression that is debilitating but not always in a manner that breeds higher levels of anxiety. However, depression directly attributed to one’s perception of social ranking can often be directly tied to the development of anxiety.

What this means is that this high level depression is caused by a feeling of inadequacy and inferiority within a given social environment. The individual is made to feel submissive and defeated in a social competition – whether it is losing a spouse to another man or woman, losing a job to a coworker, or being upstaged by a persistently more successful sibling. This feeling of defeat compounds and, due to the inherent hierarchy that exists in any social interaction, people start to judge or rate each other. Worse yet, those that suffer from depression assume they are being judged and rated, even when they are not, and start to develop high levels of anxiety about what their friends and family think of them and how they will react to almost every decision made.

Recent studies have gone on to show that this form of anxiety is unique in that it is directly related to the way in which you interact with those around you. One in particular – that of David Zuroff from the University of Toronto – states that when people gather in a group of essentially any form an immediate hierarchy develops. This hierarchy and the ranking of each individual within that hierarchy can then be measured based on their level of low positive effect – a term referring to the depression they have experienced as a result of defeat, rejection, or losses in a social setting. The comparison was drawn between this low positive effect level and the ability of the individual to hold attention and attraction in their peers through respect, influence, likeability, and other social prominent factors.

The study went on to show that the lower a person is within the social hierarchy of a given group, the higher the level of depression they may suffer from, and the more anxiety they will develop as a result – feeling trapped within the social environment and overwhelmed by those they feel are better than them. Rather than confronting this perception, they retreat within themselves, hiding from outside sources due to a perceived or very real lack of support from their family, friends, and peers.

Zuroff’s study is based upon a theory known as IDS or Involuntary Defeat Strategy (Gilbert, 2000; Sloman, 2000) which basically states that depression is directly caused by an activation of an instinct that keeps defeated individuals from attempting possibly dangerous contests with rivals that are superior. This social rank competition theory means that a great deal of depression is caused simply by individuals not being able to terminate this IDS reflex in their brains at the end of a social competition. They continue to allow the effects of losing a job or breaking up someone to affect how they perceive and interact with the world.

Millions of people attempt each day to overcome social pressures and be an important part of the social hierarchy. Those that can overcome their depression by working with those around them and terminating the self-defeating behavior our brains attempt to instill when we fail, will not only be able to operate free of much of the social anxiety they experience – they will quickly rise to the top of the social rankings.

Many of us believe that only people in midlife can experience a crisis but that isn’t necessarily true, even young adults experience it. In fact, there are eight crises that all of us will experience throughout life according to psychologist Erik Erikson.

What triggers a midlife “crisis”?

Let’s forget about the word “midlife” for a moment and focus only on the word “crisis.” The dictionary defines a crisis as a time of intense difficulty, trouble or danger.

Studies suggest a lack of fulfillment in personal and professional life, physical changes associated with aging, loss, marital affair, career, and regrets or a combination of these can trigger a crisis.

Becoming of age and entering adulthood can be a dramatic experience for some people leading to a crisis. Most young adults lack experience to meet the expectations of adulthood so they find themselves at a crossroad. They either acquire the experience through trial and error (e.g., learn the skills needed to be able to take responsibility for life) or avoid change for fear of failure and go on with life without accountability to Self.

Taking inventory of whom you have become compared to your core values can also trigger a crisis if the two lists are at opposite ends.

Characteristics and feelings of a crisis include:

·     Longing for something more – An unimaginable desire for fulfillment

·     Regret and narrow virtuosity

Looking backward at life with regret and narrow virtuosity won’t get you out of the crisis, what will get you out of it is feeling purposeful and fulfilled. Here’s how:

1.       It’s never too late to change your life path. Take life’s adversity and use it to affect positive change in the world. Allow the learning lessons to guide you into taking better and wiser decisions for the future.

2.       Fulfill your passion. Align your identity with core values. Having an unvarnished view of who you are and expressing what is important to you will lead to fulfillment.

3.       Talk to someone. Don’t be ashamed to open up and talk to someone about your feelings and life path. Sometimes just knowing someone else understands your state of mind can be enough to get you moving forward again.

A crisis is a time for reflection and redirection, a time to explore and to fulfill your needs, a time to find meaning in whatever you choose to increase life satisfaction. To do so it requires honor of one Self. Otherwise, you move on with life without the lessons of each crisis and will soon become a statistic.

If you answered “yes” to the above questions, you may be suppressing more than your emotions: you may be suppressing yourself. You might be living another person’s life entirely—the life of some idealized version of yourself that you imagined when you were younger. A version of yourself whose goals and dreams you are now blindly chasing. Usually this happens when the goals and dreams started with someone else, someone who influenced you to become (or not become) something specific to win their approval or avoid their disappointment. At some point in your life, you may have unconsciously taken on the wishes of another person. In which case, the life you truly want and the one you are living may be vastly different. The end result: stress and depression.

Suppression is a direct restraint, voluntary or involuntary, of the expression of an instinct. When you suppress, you abandon your true Self; you’re playing a role and assuming the intentions and goals of someone else. You might have good intentions, but you are still suffocating the real you. When you do that, you give up your free will and your power to choose. You can suppress your true intentions and goals and assume another’s ideal as your identity, resist and create a new identity that is not of your true Self or you can maintain your integrity by being your true Self, which implies taking responsibility and acting according to your own true intentions and goals.